Mystery Caller

Orange
After the difficulty I had getting through to the department of network uninterest – sorry, customer service – last issue, it was with some trepidation that I picked up the handset this time round.
I neednt have worried. Clearly, theres been a significant investment in galley slaves. Haddar picked up my call on the second ring.
I was slightly irked at being asked to supply my PIN for the second time, but relieved to learn from Haddar that he was happy to help. And that I will let you know about each and everything. From which colloquialism youll appreciate he wasnt paying income tax in the UK.
I explained that I was confused by the various bundles and call charges. What was the best plan to make cheap calls on, I wanted to know.
You are currently on the Anytime Bonus Top Up Plan, Haddar explained. This was news to me. I wanted to know more.
If you spend £10 during one month you get £1 back, £20 you get £4 back, £30 is £5 and if you spend £50 almost 50 per cent back. Yes, you get £25. I have listened to more interesting speaking clocks. And of course, I dont get money back to go and spend at the bookies do I? I get money credited to my account to make more calls with. A not so subtle difference, I think youll agree.
Never mind the amount I was getting back, how much was I paying to make the calls? Haddar recited the litany with scarcely a pause for breath. 10p Orange to Orange, 25p Orange to landline, 35p for cross-network calls and 10p a text.
Until this point, Haddar had been relatively comprehensible, even if he was a bit lacking in the X-Factor department.
All that changed when he tried to tell me about his multibundles. After much prodding it transpired that I could have a free trial of 30 text messages, £3 worth of roaming, or I could try Orange World until four megabytes.
The Orange World until four megabytes sounded interesting – I wanted to know more.
Haddar went off into a world of his own. Along the way he tried to convince me that a one-day multibundle would be the answer to my prayers. Which it might well have been. However, Haddar neglected to ask whether I had the faintest idea what Orange World is.
Haddar was determined, so we settled on the roaming multibundle. I think that means Orange picks up the tab for the first £3 of calls I make to or from Spain. But I cant be sure.
Whatever Haddars deficiencies, he signed off in style. You have a very lovely day, he insisted.

6th Orange
Polite and courteous manner4
Ability to identify and understand my needs2
Knowledge to provide good level of service?2
Genuine interest in wanting to help3
Giving clear, easily understood explanations1
Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome2
Total 14

Time and day of call 14:10 weekday
Duration of call7 mins
Length of queue<10 seconds
Assistant introduced by nameYes

Summary
Haddar was polite, eager to please and personable. But he failed to engage with me. He read out list upon list, but failed to explain any of the information he imparted or put it into context. I was thoroughly confused by the try multibuys – and Im still not 100 per cent certain what Haddar signed me up for.

3
After Id made my selection, I was asked if, at the end of the call, Id be prepared to rate my experience. Itll take two minutes and help us provide a better service, gushed the voice. How could I possibly refuse?
Alpa answered after Id spent a minute in the queue. I explained that I was confused by the various payment options open to me. Could she assist me?
It would have been good to hear some soothing platitudes from Alpa. Instead, she launched full pelt into explanation mode. Its a £25 Talk and Text voucher, she decreed. That gives you 500 minutes of talk and £1.50 credit.
I was none the wiser. I had to ask a series of questions before I understood that the £25 Talk and Text voucher was just one of the options open to me. I could also buy cash vouchers. These had no discount, but had no expiry date. The Talk and Text bundles, on the other hand, were time-limited. After 30 days, unused minutes and texts would be gone forever. As Alpa so succinctly put it Use them or lose them.
I learned that my £25 could also fund 500 texts and 50 minutes. It was up to me. Alpa didnt tell me how many video minutes Id get for the £25.
Without pausing for breath, Alpa was on to the £10, £15 and £20 cash vouchers. These, Id be pleased to hear, had no expiry date.
I asked how much calls cost to make. Alpa gave me the headlines. She realised, perhaps, that she could be explaining things a bit better. If you want to know more, dial 444 and option 6, she advised.
I wanted to know about coverage and costs in Spain. Certainly I will be able to help you with that, said Alpa. Ill just check the details.
You must select either Orange or Movistar when you get to Spain. Its £1 a minute to make calls, and 50p a minute to receive them. Texts cost just 25p to send and nothing to receive, said Alpa. She added a warning: You can make video calls, voice calls, texts and picture messages from Orange, but you cant make picture messages from Movistar.
Which reminded me. Wasnt 3 founded on the basis that its video calls were the bees knees? The 21st century must-have? And yet Alpa hadnt mentioned them at all when we were talking about the networks main UK tariff.
They are 50p a minute, Alpa told me when I asked. She didnt elaborate, however.
At the end of the call I was passed through to the voting machine. Alpa rated thoroughly average.

5th 3
Polite and courteous manner3
Ability to identify and understand my needs3
Knowledge to provide good level of service2
Genuine interest in wanting to help3
Giving clear, easily understood explanations2
Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome3
Total 16

Time and day of call 20:10 weekday
Duration of call 10 mins
Length of queue 1 min
Assistant introduced by name Yes

Summary
We know that 3s tariffs arent the easiest to understand, especially the first time you come across them, so Alpa should have done a lot more to explain how they worked. I needed to know more about the mechanics of the different voucher types. Alpa should have been more of a conversationalist and less of an automaton. And she should have made more of video calls.

Virgin
Marie was the lucky operative who drew the short straw when it came to answering my call.
Im new to pre-pay and all this bundle stuff is doing my head in, I explained. Painlessly, Marie extracted my customer information.
It says here youre on pay-as-you-go. I thought you said you were on pre-pay, she said.
I told her I was under the impression that they were one and the same.
I see, replied Marie. She obviously didnt. So you are pay-as-you-go?
Marie explained the basic tariff, only adding at the last minute the pretty salient point that, after the first five minutes of any call the price came down from 15p to 5p a minute. In fact, as we know, after the first five minutes of calls (plural) made on any day the price comes down for the rest of that day.
After shed asked if I was interested in texts, calls or texts and calls, Marie then listed the bundles on offer. They apparently range from £7.50 to £24. But Marie was pretty keen that I didnt sign up for one.
They are monthly commitments, she told me. They come off your account whether or not you use them all up. OK, the unused parts are rolled over, but even so, youre only going to save money if you use your phone a lot. Dont get me wrong. Theyre great if you are going to call and text a lot. But unless you are, I wouldnt advise buying one.
There was more. You might want to consider direct debit. Thats where you register a credit or debit card with us and your bill comes off that at the end of the month.
Is it cheaper? I wanted to know.
I suppose there must be some perks, Marie told me. But I dont know what they are. Im an expert on bundles, but not on direct debit, she joked.
I asked whether Id be OK with Virgin Mobile in Spain.
Ill just get the map on screen. Where are you going?
I said Id be spending some time with gangster friends of mine in Marbella. Marie couldnt find Marbella on the map.
Most of Spain has excellent coverage, Marie announced. Except around Lisbon. All round there is white, showing theres no network coverage.
Its hardly surprising not to find Spanish networks covering Lisbon  its the capital of Portugal. Its also 408 miles away from Marbella.

4th Virgin Mobile
Polite and courteous manner4
Ability to identify and understand my needs2
Knowledge to provide good level of service?2
Genuine interest in wanting to help4
Giving clear, easily understood explanations2
Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome3
Total 17

Time & day of call 19:10 weekday
Duration of call 10 mins
Length of queue<10 secs
Assistant introduced by nameYes

Summary
For all her failings, I really enjoyed my chat with Maria. She was bubbly, funny and endearingly honest. She was right about the bundles and, from the customers point of view at least, deserves to be congratulated. But Marie should have known more about direct debits and roaming. Over and above all that, at the beginning of the call, she should have been spot on with the tariff. That was pretty inexcusable.

Vodafone
After dialling, I settled back to listen to silence, punctuated every now and again by a recorded announcement. Due to increased demand were experiencing higher than usual call numbers. Please continue to hold.
Six minutes later, and completely out of the blue, the voice told me, Thank you for calling. Goodbye. And hung up.
I got much the same treatment the second time round, but this time my wait in the silent queue was not in vain. Lanka picked up my call after a couple of minutes.
We went through the formalities. I was immediately struck by her accent and the rather strange turn of phrase she employed from time to time. Initially I found it hard to understand all of what she was saying. I had to get her to repeat words. But as I became used to the way she spoke, I found it easier.
I asked for the bundle and tariff run down, which Lanka was only too pleased to give me. We got through the basic stuff without too much trouble.
There is also the possibility of Stop the Clock, she said. This means you pay for just the first three minutes of the call, then you get the remaining 57 for free. At the end of an hour, though, you have to hang up and call again.
I was about to attempt a word in edgeways. I hadnt counted on Lanka, whose enthusiasm was now getting the better of her.
But there is also the possibility of free weekends, Lanka continued, undaunted. Whatever can the girl mean? I didnt have long to wait. She explained the qualifying period and the meat of the offer very well.
Also the possibilities of the text pack. Lanka told me it came in £5, £10, £15 and £20 flavours which gave me texts by the bucketload.
Finally the possibility of a voice pack, announced Lanka, with explanation.
We chatted about calling from Spain, and Lanka enrolled me in Vodafone Passport before checking I was OK with Vodafone live! She sent the settings to my phone and told me how to apply them.
Lanka summarised the call at the end: So I have checked your tariff, explained the bundles, enrolled you in Stop the Clock, Free Weekends and Vodafone Passport. Is there anything else I can help you with?
I had to admit there wasnt. But that didnt stop us chatting about the snow in Scotland (where Lanka works) and her Czech Republic heritage. Good stuff.

3rd Vodafone
Polite and courteous manner4
Ability to identify and understand my needs4
Knowledge to provide good level of service?5
Genuine interest in wanting to help5
Giving clear, easily understood explanations3
Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome3
(Less 25% for abortive call) Total 18

Time & day of call17:35, 17:55 weekday
Duration of call13 mins
Length of queueSee text, 2 mins
Assistant introduced by nameYes

Summary
Lanka ticked all the boxes, including the one for personality. She was very helpful and very, very thorough. Though the accent is a potential problem, Id rather talk to someone like Lanka – confident, interested and knowledgeable – than a bored clock-watcher. But answer the phone first time round, Vodafone.

T-Mobile
I chose option 5, which, according to the menu, was the place to find help with price plans and general enquiries. More immediately, I found Margaret.
Margarets whole demeanour was impressive. I began by apologising for not quite understanding the pre-pay charging structure áa