Mystery Caller – 387

T-Mobile

T-Mobile did its best to get me to look at its website before letting me speak to a real person.

Nicola picked up the call and got stuck straight in to the security questions. I joked I found it difficult to remember my number as I didnt call very often.

Nicola wasnt impressed. Could I have your password please, she continued, unmoved. Not one for letting the odd pleasantry get in the way of business. After convincing her I was who I was pretending to be, she asked why I was ringing T-Mobile.

Im selling my house, I told Nicola. Ive been asked to send a picture of it to someones mobile, and I dont have a clue, just a pretty clapped out Nokia.

Nicola could have chosen to make a sympathetic noise or two. But didnt. What sort of Nokia is it? She wanted to know. I felt like telling her it was two-tone grey with white piping and a screen with a scratch on it. Instead I told her a Nokia 7610.

I presume youve already taken the photo, said Nicola, so go to the photo. Youll see options. Press that and then youll see the word send.

This was going too fast for my liking. I tried to slow things down. Someone said I had to put some settings into the phone before I could send a picture?

Do you want to send the picture? asked Nicola. Were sending the picture. Im telling you how.

Clearly she had chosen the wrong side of bed to get out of. Full of the joys of spring, she wasnt. I took the reprimand like a man.

Press send. Do you see via multimedia? Press that. Then put the number in and press send. Youll see an envelope or a cog or something to tell you its going, Nicola assured me. Thats how you know its gone.

I wanted to know if there was a way to check a picture message had been received at the other end. There should be a sent items folder.

I tried to point out there might be a difference between something being in a sent items folder and it having been received. My protest fell on stony ground.

I tried again to strike up a conversation. How much does it cost to send a picture message?

Nicola was nothing if not to the point. 20p.

And if I want to send one abroad? 20p. But only to certain countries. Only a handful can take picture messages. Where did you want to send it?

France.

You cant.

As our conversation was now being conducted in monosyllables, I decided it was time to call it a day.

T-Mobile

Polite and courteous manner 2

Ability to identify and understand my needs 2

Knowledge to provide good level of service? 2

Genuine interest in wanting to help 2

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 2

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 2

Total 12

O2

Lawrence didnt sound happy when he picked up the phone. Not happy at all. He might have been nearing the end of a shift, or starting one, but cheeriness was not his middle name. Ive been greeted by undertakers with more enthusiasm and joi de vivre.

For all that, he was politeness itself as he enquired, solicitously, as to my name, how he could help and my number.

I explained the need to send an urgent picture message and my complete inability to do so, given my current state of knowledge.

I tried desperately to lift the gloom. Do you often come across people so incompetent in the field of mobile communication that they shouldnt be allowed out with a phone?

Deadpan, Lawrence replied that if I hadnt sent a picture message before, it was only to be expected I might need a little guidance. Lets start by having a look at your handset. Whats the make and model?

His curiosity satisfied, Lawrence told me he was going to locate a memory map for the 7610 so he could tell me the steps Id need to go through to send my picture.

I let Lawrence guide me through the process of finding a photograph Id taken, selecting the send option, choosing multimedia message, inputting the phone number and pressing the go button.

All seemed to go well. Casually I mentioned that Id been told by a pal my phone may need special settings before it could send picture messages.

Lawrence poured cold water on that idea. No, he told me. Your phone should have the right settings. Your SIM card certainly does.

I persisted. So how will I know Ive been successful?

Once the progress bar comes off the screen and youre returned to the photo, youll know its gone. Alternatively, you can look at your balance after the message has been sent. Each message costs 25p.

Lawrence, realising I couldnt be expected to know if my account had been debited 25p without first knowing the balance before I pressed send, looked at my account. Alas, to no avail. Your account hasnt updated yet ‘ I cant tell if youve been successful. Maybe you want to send a picture to yourself, just to confirm that everythings OK?

I said Id do that.

I wanted to know if I could send picture messages abroad. He slipped into techno-speak. You can, so long as the foreign network supports GPRS. I felt like telling him it could support Man U, for all I cared. Instead, I left Lawrence to his gloom.

O2

Polite and courteous manner 4

Ability to identify and understand my needs 3

Knowledge to provide good level of service? 2

Genuine interest in wanting to help 2

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 2

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 2

Total 15

3

Becam drew the short straw this time round. At least thats what her name sounded like. I told her of my earnest desire to send a picture message.

Certainly, Ill be pleased to help. I will send you the settings. What sort of phone do you have?

I owned up to a ZTE. Settings? I said.

I am sorry. I did not mean settings. I will tell you the procedure. Would you please have a pen and paper ready. You may want to write them down. This was starting to sound arduous.

Give me one moment, please. I will find out the procedure for the ZTE.

It was a long moment. Perhaps even two or more moments.

Then Becam was back, locked and loaded. She read out the procedure at break neck speed. She didnt give me any chance to understand what she was saying, far less write it down. I asked for an action replay.

This time, Becam read more slowly and I got the gist. In fact, I was able to follow her on my phone, until it stopped me in my tracks.

Id pressed the wrong button and got onto Planet 3, which was displaying a set of typically tasteful headlines. The one that caught my eye ran as follows: Keeley reveals her awesome boobs for LA photoshoot. Distracting enough, what with the picture and all. But 3, in its infinite wisdom, had the last word. Free to browse ran the strap above the picture. Wonder what Keeley would have to say about that…

But I digress. With some difficulty, I followed Becams instructions, which were just that ‘ she didnt inject the slightest shred of humanity.

Becam was also unable to tell me precisely how to find the photo Id taken, because it wasnt covered in the manual. Just find it from the place you put it was the best she could come up with.

…and then press send, she told me. The instructions were over.

How much does it cost to send a picture message?

It is 25p to a UK network.

And how much abroad?

Where is it that you want to send the picture message?

I picked France.

Please wait a moment. I will check this for you.

I waited. And waited. A minute passed, then two. Then the line went dead. One way of saving on the phone bill, I guess.

3

Polite and courteous manner 4

Ability to identify and understand my needs 3

Knowledge to provide good level of service 3

Genuine interest in wanting to help 3

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 2

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 2

Total 17

Vodafone

Things are looking up at Vodafone Towers. The phone system dealt with me in seconds, without routing it via Timbuktu.

Rachel greeted me cheerfully, going through the security questions in a business-like manner.

I explained Id been asked to send an urgent picture message, but had more chance of landing on the moon. Could she help?

Rachel was sure she could. Had I taken the photograph? I told her I had. And, modestly, that it was a masterpiece.

Go to where the picture is stored on the phone, she directed. It will be in a folder marked my pictures, or gallery; something like that. Rachel would have been better able to direct me, perhaps, if shed have bothered to ask what sort of phone I had. I found the image.

Right, Rachel continued, cheerily, what were going to do is put that picture into an ordinary text message and turn it into a multimedia message. Can you see options by your photograph? Right. Select multimedia message. Now type in a number and press send. Thats it. Youve sent your picture message.

A mate told me I had to type some settings into the phone before it would send a picture. Do I?

Most phones are set up and all the SIM cards we sell are ready to send picture messages. The best thing to do is send the picture to yourself. If you get it, everythings fine. If you dont, call us again with the mobiles make and model. Well then send you a text with the settings you need. I reckon youll be OK though, Rachel soothed.

How much would I be charged?

A picture message costs 36p, so its a bit more than an ordinary text.

Could I send pictures to France?

It depends on our partner networks, Rachel explained. The vast majority should be set up and their customers should be able to receive your pictures. You shouldnt have any problems with France. But its not something Vodafone can take responsibility for. Once weve delivered the message to the network, its up to them to deliver it to the customer. I think shed have defended Vodafone with her dying breath.

So send a picture message to yourself. If you dont receive it within 24 hours or so, give us another call. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Vodafone

Polite and courteous manner 3

Ability to identify and understand my needs 3

Knowledge to provide good level of service? 3

Genuine interest in wanting to help 3

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 3

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 3

Total 18

Orange

Orange, by its own admission, is committed to providing excellent customer service.

Adding a few more CSRs would demonstrate this far more eloquently than any number of sincerely worded announcements. As it was, once Id cleared the call handling machinery hurdles, it was eight minutes before Debbie picked up my call.

Even though Id told the machine my number and answered several security questions, I still had to satisfy Debbie as to my bona fides. That done, it was down to business; only 10 minutes had slipped by.

But none of that is Debbies fault. She did her best to make me feel welcome, taking the fact she was talking to a grown man who had yet to send a picture message in her stride. Im just going to check your SIM, she explained. I need to make sure youre set up to send pictures. You are. Good. After weve had a chat, Ill transfer you to another department who will send some settings to your phone. Does it have a little square with the Orange logo on it?

I reported the complete absence of an Orange logo. Its a hand-me-down, I admitted.

Debbie wanted to know the make and model. I told her.

All I need now is to find the 7610 on my system, she lamented.

While searching, we kept up a merry banter, deciding ultimately that it would be better from a CSRs perspective if mobile phone manufacturers had applied Henry Fords famous maxim; you can have any model, so long as it was this one and it was black. Fewer phones would, promised Debbie, mean fewer grey hairs.

Eventually she found the operating manual and gave me a very comprehensive set of instructions even a moderately intelligent monkey could have followed. There was hope for me.

You actually have a choice, for future reference, Debbie informed me. You can send a picture message to a phone or you can send it as an email to a PC. The 7610 gives you options to do both.

When I asked, Debbie told me picture messages cost 30p to send, unless they were big ones, which cost 50p. She wasnt able to tell me precisely what constituted a big one. The only ones Ive ever sent are 30p ones. The Nokia 7610 will resize it if its too big, I think.

And, with the usual proviso that foreign networks may not be as reliable as ours, she confirmed my picture messages could be sent overseas.

Debbie said goodbye and transferred me to the department of Orange APN settings, who were efficiency personified. Soon my 7610 was fully Orangified.

Orange

Polite and courteous manner 4

Ability to identify and understand my needs 4

Knowledge to provide good level of service? 3

Genuine interest in wanting to help 4

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 4

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 4

Total 23

Virgin Mobile

Chris picked up my call on the first ring but, after wed exchanged pleasantries, went strangely silent. He returned seconds later to apologise and explain: hed stubbed his toe on the desk and didnt want to treat me to the kind of choice language hed used.

That out of the way, it was down to business. Chris asked for the make and model of the phone. When I fessed up to owning a 7610, he was certain of his facts. Thats never been a Virgin Mobile phone, so its not going to have the right settings. Im going to find them, and send them to your phone right now. Just hang on for a moment.

A moment passed.

Right, when you get them youll be prompted for a PIN code.

At that point the phone chirruped up with a message. It was from Virgin Mobile. Chris was therefore able to walk me through the installation of the settings.

He didnt have details of the 7610 to hand, but by asking a series of perceptive questions and listening to the answers, he was able to help me navigate to the image I wanted to send. He then walked me through the process of sending it as a multimedia message.

His explanations were a model of clarity.

He suggested I sent a test picture message to myself. I did, and it worked.

Then came the value add. The other way to send a picture, and get more value for money as you do so, is to insert it into a multimedia message that youve already begun with text. Chris showed me how to do it. Thats what is meant by a multimedia message. You can even add an audio file.

I asked how much Virgin Mobile would charging me for the privilege. A picture message or a multimedia message costs 30p to send, so dont make too much of a habit of it, he suggested in a light-hearted kind of a way.

I wanted to know whether I could send a picture message abroad. Chris told me Virgin Mobile classed doing such a thing as an unsupported activity. Candidly, he explained the message would leave my phone, Id be charged for it, but that it might never be picked up at the other end, due to possible network incompatibilities. According to Chris, Id be better off sending the picture message as an email to a PC, rather than a mobile. That way, my precious picture would stand far more chance of getting delivered.

Without my asking, he told me how to send the picture message to an email address. Often a better bet with non-UK networks.

Virgin Mobile

Polite and courteous manner 4

Ability to identify and understand my needs 4

Knowledge to provide good level of service? 4

Genuine interest in wanting to help 5

Giving clear, easily understood explanations 4

Overall level of satisfaction with call outcome 4

Total 25

Summary

Every network should have excelled at this task ‘ its not hard. MMS and picture messaging are the staple diet of CSRs, who shouldnt be let loose on the phone-wielding public unless they are competent.

The most depressing thing about those who didnt perform was every one could have done a far better job, if only theyd have been bothered to list and take an interest in my problem.

The mark of a good call is not how quickly a customer can be dealt with.

How can I be expected to send a picture message without the right settings? And when it fails, what will I think of my network?

Do CSRs care? On this showing, a good percentage dont.

Good to see Orange back near the top ‘ the customer experience with a UK-based CSR is light years ahead of anything Ive had from the Orange sub-continent.